Ray and Scott
Have you ever woke up in someone's arms, and with someone in yours?
Your arms are crampy, and one or both of your hands are asleep, and your back is sore from laying in a strange position, and your legs ache.
And it's perfect.
His face was all pressed up against my chest and he was breathing slow and his breath felt so good.
My face was in his hair, it smelled like him.
It was so perfect.
I just laid there and felt great. The warmness inside was back and I loved how it felt. I wanted to cry but in a good way. I wanted it to last forever just like it was right then.
I remember just feeling good and not thinking about anything and just laying there feeling him laying against me.
It was so fucking perfect.
Then I heard someone use the bathroom upstairs and I wondered what time it was. There was no windows in the basement so I didn't even know if it was day or night outside.
I wanted to lay there forever or at least for some more but I heard voices and I knew it was morning.
I worried we would be caught so I shook him and said we had to wake up.
He asked why and I told him and he freaked out. We got dressed really fast and quiet and we snuck up the stairs and listened at the door. It opened into the kitchen and if mom was in there getting breakfast how could we explain?
I heard the coffee cups clink and the water run and we both looked like we could throw up in fear. I got an idea and pulled him downstairs again and into the little room.
"We can hang here for a while and sneak out later."
"When mom's done with the dishes she'll go in the bedroom and get dressed and dad will be in the front room. Then."
We waited down there until the right sounds were done and I was ready to go up and take the risk. God it was almost fun! We kept quiet and didn't move the whole almost hour and just sat on the bed and tried not to make each other laugh sometimes.
When we got to the door we couldn't hear anything so I opened it as slow and quiet as I could. It was fucking tense as I turned the old knob slow and it tried to rattle. I thought I was gonna die more than once when it made noises. I knew we wouldn't be able to explain why were in the basement overnight and if they saw the bed they would figure it out in a second flat and that would be the end of my whole world.
When I finally got the door open a crack I was shaking all over and hoping to God that they wasn't sitting in the kitchen watching the door open. Thank God they wasn't.
We snuck to my room and the door was still shut and we snuck in and we both looked like we could faint or something. He wasn't happy though and I could tell easy. He looked like he was scared and I couldn't blame him.
I tried some jokes and stuff to make him laugh but he stayed all dark and down and he got me down too. Pretty soon we were sitting there and not talking and I started feeling bad.
I asked if he was okay and what he wanted to do. I said we could go get some cereal or make pancakes or something but he shook his head and stayed quiet. But then he said he wanted to go home. He wanted to call his mom and see if she would come and get him.
I felt sick. Really sick like I was gonna throw up all over him. I even burped really thick and gooey and I almost went to the bathroom in case I did throw up. I didn't want to and I knew he would think I was being an infant. I swallowed hard a lot and he kept looking down at the floor.
We were quiet for a while and I didn't know what to say. I sure didn't want him to go. I wanted him to stay and stay the night and we could sneak back downstairs again. Why did he want to go home? I wanted to ask but it felt like I should know why or that asking him would be the stupidest thing to do and he'd laugh at me. But I wanted to know.
He looked at me for a change and I wish he hadn't. It made me feel sad to see him look so sad and like I had hurt his feelings.
"We almost got caught!"
I shrugged because I knew that. And it had been shitty but fun when it was all over. And we didn't get caught.
"We... almost... got... caught!"
He said all the words without opening his mouth and through his teeth and very quiet and angry. I never saw him do anything like that before. It sucked.
"Almost but not."
And you're worth it I almost said but stopped myself just in time.
"Caught! Doing it! Together! Don't you get it?"
Said the same way as before all through his teeth and mad as hell. Or just upset a hell of a lot. Something I didn't like anyway.
He put his face in his hands and shook it.
"I just gotta go home is all." he said and walked out.
I waited for him to come back after making the phone call and thought about what to say. I didn't want him to leave but I didn't want to make him stay if he wanted to leave. I knew sometimes you just felt like being alone at home and that wasn't such a big deal. What was the big deal was why.
Like I said I waited for him to come back from calling for a ride but before I knew it his mom pulled up the road and up front. I got to the front door in time to see him get in and when I got down the front porch they were pulling down the drive to the road.
I wondered if he had told her what we did and that was why she came so fast. I wondered if he had told my parents. I was afraid to even go near the house. I thought I should run away but I didn't even have shoes on.
I sat on the porch for the longest time ever. I felt like shit and worried and scared. I didn't know really why he had to leave so bad but I thought I knew why. I didn't know when to call him or if I should or what. Or what was going on or going to happen.
I didn't even know if his mom knew or if my parents knew.
I sat there on the porch for so long my dad came out and found me there and said it was time for lunch. I was glad they never said anything and didn't even ask where Scott went. I went back to my room after lunch and closed the door and didn't know what to do.
I thought about calling him but didn't know if I should. I tried to compare it to fights we had before but this was way too different.
I was sad and hurt a lot and worried so much I cried. It only made it worse and didn't help at all in any way. Just worse.
Dinner was scary and made me worry the whole time they would say the knew
but they didn't. After I hid in my room and watched television
and pretended everything was normal.
Sunday wasn't any better. I was sad and down and felt like nothing mattered. I wanted to talk to Scott but was afraid to call him. I turned on the computer and messed around doing nothing interesting and never started a game with an IM or any IM at all and stayed off that kind of stuff.
The whole day sucked.
By breakfast on Monday and when the parents were at work I couldn't stop myself from calling.
"Uh, you okay?"
He didn't sound like it at all.
No it wasn't and I could tell.
"So... you okay with... everything?"
"No. We won't be anymore."
Crushed. I never really knew what it mean. I thought I did. Now I did.
I swallowed. Hard.
"It was great. Okay? Honest. But... we're friends. Can we just stay that way?"
I swallowed. Hard.
"If... we get caught... and it's so... we just can't. Okay?"
I couldn't swallow.
I couldn't answer.
I couldn't breathe.
I couldn't move.
I couldn't even think.
I heard a click and then the line went dead.
I couldn't feel.
Then I didn't want to. Who'd want to feel when the guy you loved just told you he only wanted to be friends?
I thought about hanging up the phone but didn't want to go through the trouble to so I just dropped it.
I didn't feel anything. I noticed it and I thought it was wrong but I didn't know anything to do about it.
I just kept thinking how I was alone again.
After being alone so long and knowing I would be alone then I find out I'm not alone but then I was again.
Now I knew what I was missing.
Now I knew what I wasn't going to have.
I don't know how long I sat there but it turned out to be the perfect amount of time. Funny how that works.
I just decided that it wasn't worth it. If I wasn't going to get something so awesome and it was going to be taken away from me then life wasn't worth living.
I didn't know what to do at the house and I didn't want to leave a mess for my parents to deal with so I thought about the interstate a mile down the road. The bridge over it was high enough but the traffic on the highway would make sure. And mom and dad wouldn't have a mess. They'd just get a call.
I didn't even put on shoes. I figured if I chickened out I'd deserve the sore feet when I got back.
I started walking and thinking and I just wanted it to be all over and done with.
When I got to the bridge I saw Casey running over it toward me. He came running at me and was smiling and looking like he was glad to see me.
"Hey, Ray! What's up? Where ya goin'?"
I tried to think but all I kept thinking was how I couldn't live knowing Scott was so close and be around him and never be able to hug or hold or kiss him again.
It wasn't worth it.
Casey kept smiling and talking and all I wanted was to get away from him. I almost wanted to throw him over the bridge but I was the one who was sick and twisted and shouldn't be alive.
I tried to walk around him but he pulled me the other way.
"What's wrong, Ray?"
I pulled my hand out of his and turned back toward the bridge.
He walked up next to me and along with me.
"You okay? You really seem like something's wrong, man. Can I help?"
I had nothing to say to him. If he wanted to be friends that was fine but I had something to do and I wasn't going to live knowing what I was missing.
He pulled my arm and turned me around again.
I turned to go back up the overpass.
He got around in front of me and stood there in my way. I tried to get past him but he pushed on my chest with his arms.
"What's going on?"
He put his face right up in front of mine and made me look into his eyes. His hair was being whipped around by the wind and his face was all worried.
"What the fuck, Ray?"
"I won't live alone. Not knowing what I know. Not missing what I know I'm missing. I can't."
"What? What the fuck are you talking about?"
"I can't live without him."
I tried to push him back and go up the overpass, but he shoved me down and sat one me before I knew what was going on.
"Why don't you have any shoes on? What the hell is going on?" he asked when he had my arms pinned. "You can't be serious!"
I tried to wriggle out from under him but he kept me under him. For some reason he started crying.
"No way am I gonna let you do that! You fucking idiot!"
"Why? What's it matter to you?"
"Are you kidding me? I fucking think I'm in love with you, and I find out you're in love with Scott, and you think I'm gonna let you kill yourself? Just because Scott don't know a good thing when he sees it?"
His tears fell onto my face.
"What the hell's goin' on?"
Scott came running up and was standing over us, looking down at me. He was so cute, but his worried look made me feel sick.
I suddenly felt again. Like some pipe burst and filled me up with emotions again. All the emotions came out all of a sudden and there was nothing I could do about it. I cried like a baby and that only made me feel weaker and stupider.
"He was gonna go over the bridge," Casey said around hiccups.
Scott sort of fell onto his knees right next to us. He looked like he was going to be sick, and I knew I was why, which made me feel even more like I was going to.
"He's... he's in love with you, you dumbfuck," Casey said real rude. "And you don't know what you could have."
"I know," Scott said sadly. "I know it. But... I'm not... "
It seemed impossible that this was going on. I mean, how could Scott and Casey both be walking to my place at almost the same time while I'm heading to the overpass?
"If I get off you will you sit down at the ledge and talk?"
I nodded mostly so he would get off me.
He gave me a hand up and we all went down under the overpass and sat on the concrete ledge under there. We used to a lot when we were kids but it had been a long time. Behind the concrete wall and facing away from the highway there was no way anybody could see us without going down there. It was private and secret. It was loud too sometimes but that just made it even more private.
We were still there when the sun started going down.
I had never talked to them like that before. We had talked a lot before, when we all had been closer friends, sure, and about a lot, but never about those kinds of things.
Scott said how he liked me as his friend more than anything but wasn't gay. He said we could maybe mess around sometimes but it was just messing around and I would have to be okay with that and it would only be sometimes. He said he liked what we did but he just didn't feel the same way I did.
Casey said he he was sure he loved me. How he had started liking me last year for sure, and probably before then too.
I told Casey how I was sorry but I didn't like him that much that way. I told him how he irritated me how he acted when he played games and acted like an asshole because he was good.
They wanted me to promise not to even think about killing myself ever again. They told me how it would hurt them a lot if I did. I didn't want to hurt them, especially not Scott, so I promised I wouldn't.
We went to my house and my folks didn't have a clue. They just thought we had been out doing the usual stuff. They made sure the coast was clear so I could hobble my way to my room. They had dinner at my place and called their folks. Casey snuck some ointment and bandages out of the bathroom and washed and took care of my feet. We all talked. I wanted to hug and kiss Scott, but I knew it was over. They stayed the night.
We kept our clothes on and held each other and talked quietly until we got so tired we started falling asleep in the middle of sentences.
I was still pretty numb. I hurt a lot but it was dull and constant so I guess I just got used to it. I hurt more from time to time when I thought how Scott told me how he didn't like me the same way I did him. Boy that hurt.
Late in the night we were all laying on my bed with both of them on both sides of me. We were talking quiet and they both kept trying to keep me from feeling so bad. Both of them kind of laid their arms over me and snuggled up to me. It was weird but nice. We fell asleep.
The next morning we got caught. Sort of. We were dressed and all but still asleep on the bed all cuddled up. Mom opened the door to ask us if we wanted any breakfast and there we all were.
The weirdest day of my life started.
Mom cried and dad looked like I had changed his whole life around and upside down at first. But he didn't hit me like I sometimes was afraid he would if he found out. And I wasn't told to get out of the house. And my best friend and my oldest friend sat there next to me and made me feel like it was all going to be okay.
And it was.
By the end of it my parents knew I was gay, and my best friend made them understand that he liked me all the same, just not as much or the same way, and my oldest friend made them see that being gay didn't make me different.
Scott made sure that I knew he liked me a lot. More than his other friends and more than he thought most guys cared about guys. He told me how I would be hurting him if I hurt myself so I agreed not to do anything like that. He also made me promise that we would talk all the time and not be different with each other. And he said he wanted to mess around again just not so much and really careful not to get caught or even come close again.
I could agree to that easy enough. I wanted to be naked with him at every possible minute but he wanted to keep it only to times we could have a house all alone. And we wouldn't fall asleep all wrapped up unless we had the whole night and set the alarm for before anyone came back. He wanted to be real careful.
Casey wanted to do what Scott and I had done, but I didn't want to with him. I wanted to with Scott, and if I could only once in a while, then I would when I could, but not with Casey. Casey was kind of cute, but acted like an ass, and I didn't feel anything for him.
At least my folks new I was gay now. Now I didn't care so much if everybody else found out. But I couldn't let them.
I couldn't put Scott in that kind of risk.
It had to stay secret. All of it.