I started college this fall. I was looking forward to it, but I was so nervous it was hard to enjoy it. The first days were so busy, getting stuff unpacked and set up in my room, then finding and learning all the buildings and places on campus. Then days of signing up for classes and financial aid, and all the other paperwork.
That first week of classes was insane! I mean, I knew I was taking a lot of classes, and some were close to each other in times, but getting from one to the other was often almost impossible to do on time.
The second week I went to alternate classes on some, dropped a couple, and added one. The next couple of weeks were better, and I felt like I was going to do okay.
I skipped on the first few weeks of "Welcome" parties and shit. I was never any kind of popular or a partier, so those parties didn't interest me. And the social mixers were a joke as far as I'm concerned. I didn't come to college to meet chicks. I came to study.
Yeah, I know, what a geek. So what, I am. I'm not bad looking at all, not really, just not any kind of jock or stud. I'm about five foot and eight inches tall, around one-hundred and fifty pounds. Kinda skinny, yeah, but nothing really skinny. I never got into muscle building or any sports. I liked spending my time in books, either for fun or for school. And being from Trego, Wisconsin, which was so small it didn't even have a high school in town, I didn't go out much to get tanned. I have big brown eyes, though, and all the girls I've gone out with said they were my best feature. And my blond hair. Those and my big, friendly smile got me attention. And some of them said I had a great butt. And the ones that got to see it, said I had a nice dick. Maybe it's just that it's kind of thick. Average six inches, a little bit longer than that, but pretty wide.
My first girlfriend was when I was sixteen, and all we did together was some stuff with our hands, and we did some oral a couple of times. I wasn't impressed, and kind of didn't like it. She wanted more, but wanted to know where I was all the time. I broke up with her and my friends started thinking I was some kind of stud because of that.
So, a second girlfriend, and some sex, and it lasted a couple of months. By senior year I had a couple more girlfriends, all short-time, and nothing I wanted to keep.
See, the problem was I wasn't into chicks. I never told anyone, not even the couple of close friends I had all through high school, even two from before then. We were close, sure, and we even messed around a couple of times, doing stuff with our hands with each other. But it was just messing around. And I never let on that I loved it. Or that I liked guys.
So I decided that when I went to college, I wouldn't hide it. I wouldn't go prancing it around, either. That's why I was walking past the GLBT Alliance meeting room for the hundredth time. I had missed several meetings since the semester started, and had decided that tonight I would go.
The meeting was starting in twenty minutes, and there were more and more students in the room every time I walked past it. This time I saw maybe fifty guys and gals in there. I wanted to walk in, and just act like it was all normal to do and shit, but my guts thought something else about all of it.
I've been nervous plenty, but this was really insane. I was sweating and I was only walking past the meeting room. If I walked in there, I'd probably would have exploded into massive sweats and started stinking up the place, end up making a complete fool out of myself. How could I go in there?
I walked on past, again, feeling like the biggest pussy on the entire campus.
There were tons of other students walking by, and they obviously knew what club was meeting in there, there were enough signs all around. They didn't seem to even notice who was walking in or out, or who was inside.
So why is it so hard to just walk into a room?
I guess before I get to what happened next, I should mention something else. See, since I admitted to myself that I like guys, I've liked mostly one certain type of guy. I don't know why, but I just do.
I really like geeky guys. Not the total dweebs, not the guys with the messed up features or something wrong with them. I like the guys most girls would say were dorks, or not cute enough for the first round, so to speak.
Skinny, tall, lanky, pale, smart, dorky, a little clumsy, kinda awkward, shy. Hot.
Don't ask me why, or expect me to explain why. I don't know. I only know what attracts my eye, and it's the geeky guys.
So, when I walked past the GLBT meeting room again, and I saw this tall, lanky, skinny, dorky guy walk by, hesitate a little, then obviously screw up the courage and walk in, I followed.
He was hot. I know the guys in the room took one look and pretty much put him on the 'second string' list, but I couldn't stop looking at him.
There was nothing wrong with him at all, he was just geeky. Too thin for his slightly tall frame, he moved like he was afraid someone was going to harass him at any second, his short, brown hair was straight and had no style to it at all. The jeans he were wearing were just normal, cheap jeans, and his blue, button-up shirt could have come off the rack at any Target or Wal-Mart. Plain tennis shoes rounded out his normal, everyday-guy look.
I sat down in one of the chairs in back and tried not to be seen looking at him. I moved my eyes around the room, even meeting the eyes of anyone who looked my way. I waited for the meeting to start, and tried not to stare at him.
They started with the predictable crap, and pretty soon we all had to introduce ourselves.
Brian Waller. Such a boring name. Such a hot guy.
His hair was a perfectly medium brown, slight highlights and slight dark streaks. He had a voice that sounded like it came from the bottom of a huge wooden barrel. How he got such a deep voice was a question that came directly to mind when I heard him talk. And how he sounded like he was from well south of Wisconsin, but said he was from Murray.
I couldn't see his face, so I watched the back of his head and hardly paid any attention to the meeting. It ended, finally, and I poured out with the first ones to the door.
Brian had stuck around and was talking to a couple of the lesbian members, obviously knowing one of them from somewhere. He seemed very friendly and happy as he talked to the two girls, one of which had led the meeting. I noticed how shy he seemed, though. I paced around in the hallway, hoping that I would have the guts to talk to him when he came out.
I didn't have to wait long. He walked out alone, and I literally pounced.
"Hi. Steve. From the meeting," I said, walking toward him.
I had never approached someone before, not while wanting them so badly, and never a guy. I felt so self-conscious that I wouldn't have been surprised if he ignored me and walked away.
He held out his hand and said, "Yeah, Brian."
He smiled. Holy crackers in a basket, he was so cute. I could tell that he was forcing himself to stand there and talk to me. It was obvious that he was incredibly shy, and this was something new to him. I could almost see him shaking as we stood there. I was too, inside, anyway. I was hoping that it didn't show.
His eyes were such a warm brown, that I understood what the girls had said about my own. If mine looked anything like his, I knew now why girls had asked me out. He had a few scars from acne, but otherwise his face was mostly smooth and clear. His brown eyebrows were smooth, faint, narrow, and curved just like children draw on their faces, but were hard to see under his longish bangs. His nose was large, but not huge, and it had a kind of nobility to it, too. His lips were thin, especially the upper, and dark red, and his white teeth were large and prominent. His slightly weak jaw and long, narrow neck completed his geeky looks. Like I said, holy crackers was he cute!
I had to look up a couple of inches into his eyes, and when I did, I almost felt like I could melt into a puddle of warm goo.
I had never felt like that before.
"So, your first meeting?" he asked.
His voice was deep and smooth.
I felt so weak.
"Uh, uh, yeah."
How fucking lame. How is any guy gonna want to know me if I can't talk? But he was so adorable!
He smiled, a really small grin, and kind of shuffled his feet. It was so cute. The problem was that I felt like doing the exact same thing. I wanted to play it so cool, and be so suave, and all that shit, but all I was doing was making an idiot out of myself.
"Uh, I'm going over to the commissary. Want to go have something with me?"
"Duh-" Yes, I actually said, duh. Honest. Man, I felt like such a dolt! But I got it together, kinda. "Sure. Haven't had anything since breakfast."
I shrugged. He said, "Cool," and we were walking together our way, but I never saw anything mean in any of their looks. I even saw some folks from classes, who nodded or said hey, but nothing like I expected.
By the time we got to the commissary, I was starting to feel like maybe we could talk to each other in public and not be chased down after all. He got a cup of coffee and a small dinner tray. I did the same.
We sat down near the windows and pretty much made polite small talk for a few minutes. It was pretty nice.
We found out that we were both from very small towns, and we both had decided that once we got to college, that we wouldn't hide being gay. Neither one of us wanted to do any parades or marches, but we both had enough of pretending that we weren't gay.
He had a room in an apartment building just off-campus. I told him about my dormitory room. We compared tastes in movies and music, then books and classes. He was at school for engineering, which I said was well beyond me. He said he couldn't understand wanting a career in communications.
It turns out, that was his first and only intended visit to the GBLT. He only went tonight to see what it was like, and didn't intend to go back. He might have, sooner or later, but he had no intentions to. If I hadn't gone tonight, I wouldn't have run into him. Considering our classes, we might never have run into each other.
By eight o'clock, we had spent two hours sitting there, talking and laughing. Holy shit, his laugh! It was like low bells tolling. Sweet, smooth, clear. And his smiles. They were so open, wide, inviting. The smallest grin from him made me want to almost dance in joy.
I wondered if I was falling in love with him. I had never felt so... soft. Kind of... melted.
He said he had to use the bathroom, and wanted to know if I would like to walk around after. Maybe catch a movie or something.
Holy shit, did I! I nodded, trying to act cool, but I wanted to scream, "Yes!" and follow him around like a lost puppy.
Instead, I waited for him to come out of the john, then we walked down to the riverside walkway and just kept going toward town. We talked about being gay, and how we dealt with it when we figured it out. How we figured that out. When we figured that out. How we hid it from friends and relatives. How we no longer wanted to hide it.
He had told his parents around graduation, and it had gone pretty well. They accepted it after some arguments that he was too young to know something like that for sure.
Neither of us had ever had a boyfriend, and we had both dated girls to hide our sexuality.
We were both looking to live the life, without the lies, and without the hiding.
And we were both looking for someone special.
And that's what we were talking about when we came to the bridge. It was almost dark, and the lights were on. It was very pretty, and I don't mind using that word to describe it at all.
We stood in the middle of the little bridge over the little creek off the river, between the lights, and leaned on the railing.
We grinned at each other and I saw how we were both so shy and scared. I wanted to say or do something to break the situation, but I didn't know what I could say or do. I knew what I wanted to do.
I looked at him, eye to eye, and tried not to smile so widely. He laughed a little and turned red. When I saw that, I responded in kind.
And there we stood, inches from each other, on the highest point of the little bridge, lights to either side of us.
We were both leaning onto the railing on our elbows. There were less than six inches between us. His hands were twined together, as were mine. Our conversation was stalled.
I can't even being telling you what I was feeling right then. There were these intense little tingles running all over me. My insides felt like they had turned into Jell-O. My mind couldn't concentrate on anything, but kept going back to how absolutely adorable he was.
It was very much like the first time I was in the same situation with the first girl. Only many times more so. Hundreds of times more so.
I knew what a girl would have expected me to do right then, so I pondered doing that very thing. Again and again I tried to work up the guts, but failed. Soon I got angry at myself, and that helped.
Holding my breath, I reached out and gently stroked the back of one of his hands, then when he turned his hand palm-up, I slid mine into his, and our fingers twined together like we had done that a thousand times before.
Instinctively I looked up at his face, and I fell right into his eyes.
He kind of exhaled a single laugh, and smiled so sweetly that I could have sold everything I owned to see him smile like that again.
His other hand came to rest on top of ours, then began sliding up my arm until it was at my shoulder. His gentle touch tickled all the way up my arm. It slid across my shoulder and then behind my neck, then pulled me toward him.
Every nerve in my body was screaming in anticipation. I couldn't fucking believe it. I held my breath. His cute, dorky face neared my own, and I saw his lips open and his eyes close. I did the same.
Then the world exploded around us. His lips were warm and soft, and he knew how to kiss well. I never thought of doing so, but we were suddenly facing each other, kissing deeply, arms around each other.
I was panting. Instantly. As if I had just run the mile. I was light-headed, too. Dizzy and almost nauseous. And, man, how he could kiss!
I don't know who directed whom, or how we ended up there, but the next thing I remember is following him through his apartment door, and kissing each other wildly once we were alone.
What happened next is really our business, but I stayed the night. What a night!
We were so comfortable together, so instantly. By morning it was like we had known each other before. Honest. He kissed the way I like to, he liked to curl up on my lap - and I loved that even when girls had done it - he liked running his hands all over me, and I loved running my hands all over him, we both wanted to go slow and play around at first, and we fit together in bed in all the right ways.
I don't know if there is anything like fate or not, or a God, or any ordained plan for any of us - all I know, is that sometimes you find the right person. At least the one for right then. Sometimes you don't, sure, and sometimes it takes far too long.
For me, and for Brian, it was our freshman year at college. And it all turned on our both going to the same meeting, that once. And down to my decision to stay after that meeting to talk to him. A single decision in a list of single decisions, by us both.